It has been a long time since I have published anything on this blog. I have been quite remiss in my writing in general, but specifically here. This is the place I tend to put more of myself into my words, the place I share more of who I am. The following is exceptionally personal. I have felt myself slipping into some internal abyss, a place of my own creation. I have felt despair trying to take hold and pull me into a perceived helplessness. I know better, but the call is sometimes hard to ignore.
I had hoped to write something so very profound and touching and meaningful, but my mind it seems has got the best of me. I am lost to emotion and feeling, and light depression has found me this day and has refused to let me go.
This man I am today would be unrecognizable to the boy I had been years ago. That boy was full of love and hope and care for others. He was full of despair too, but he hid that well. I suppose I have continued to become better at the hiding part. But I have become something else as well. The tackling of some less-savory parts of my self of yesteryear has opened me to a monster I do not like. The pain I sought to escape has been loosed upon others through the cracks within my own heart.
I am at times a burden upon my own psyche, but only when I stop to think about where I’ve been, where I am, and where I may be headed. I do not like myself in this current state. I always feel as though I ought be far better. I always feel a monster. I always feel others’ pain and take it as a personal assault upon my heart.
I break my own heart far too often.
I am a product of so much pain and internal conflict. I am my own worst enemy. I am too feeling. I am empathetic to a fault. Though I most times suppress it, the emotions always catch me and overcome me and tear at my overburdened heart. I am lost to them even now, even as I write, even as I pour out these confusing and confounding words. I am overcome.
I so very much hate being alone, and that fact has led me to make many a poor decision. I have had to learn to like myself at times when I was want to curse my name and existence. Still I hate being alone. Still I find myself making decisions based on physical comfort when my heart screamed warnings upon warnings upon warnings. And I see that I have become no better than any other man who has lost himself in his desires and the simple pleasure of the flesh.
I despise hypocrisy, and I see my own in the mirror of my heart. For I have wanted love and lately have made of it a plaything. I have been the heartbreaker of my life for so long that I had begun to excuse myself for the breaking of others’ as well. Hypocrite.
“Don’t become jaded, Wayne.” The words spoken to me by a very good friend and wife of a very respected retired officer. She said those words to me several years ago. My own heart had been trampled and I felt so much pain that I was unable to hide it. I always tried to not fall into the trap of holding accountable the people I meet for the actions of those who might have hurt me dearly in the past. But I had become jaded and conflicted.
But I still believe in love. I am still capable of love. I still want love. I have just lost my way, and I am seeking my way back to that path. I hope to see it when it presents itself and to be open to it as well. And I am truly sorry to any I have hurt while I have been so lost in the wilderness of a broken heart.