Have you ever had a really strange dream that woke you and then stayed with you all day?
I’m sure some of you have. It’s a weird thing, I suppose, but not anything so very out of the ordinary. Yet for those in my line of work, some dreams are telling regarding what fears we suppress. I guess dreams are telling for everyone else in this regard, but when part of your job is the constant possibility of using deadly force in the course of your duties those dreams can have a really telling and potentially chilling effect on the dreamer.
I awoke in the early morning hours of November 11, 2015, having had one such dream. Or perhaps it was a strange series of dreams that morphed into the one which awoke me. And of course it involved the use of deadly force, but it was not in the performance of police duties. It was simply to stop some who were in the act of killing others. But it was so very real and surreal. It embodied several fears that have affected me in many different ways throughout my career. And these fears don’t necessarily affect in a negative way.
Taking the life of any person is not something I relish. I have a distinct understanding of my duties and my commitment to them is unwavering. That said, I am in no rush to take the life of anyone. However, I am ready and willing to use whatever force necessary to prevent anyone from causing such harm to me, my brothers, or anyone else in the public that might severely injure or kill. I have trained for this my entire career and have known the righteous warrior within me for much of my adult life. But such knowledge and training does not negate my humanity.
Public safety is one of those professions that exposes its workers to all manner of injury, mayhem, and death. We do get to see the worst in people and the worst of humanity. We get to see the ugly side of the world in which we all live, though many refuse to accept as reality. And that, I suppose, is a good thing. Good in that those willing and able to work to keep such abject Evil at bay do so on a regular basis. But we still remain human. We still are affected. We still must face the demons we daily push into our subconscious.
Sometimes those demons come to us in nightmares. I’m pretty sure every cop has had the really messed up dream in which the service weapon would not fire. Or it fired and the round just sort of fell out of the gun, useless. Or every pull of the trigger was a simple click on a dead primer. Or the trigger would not pull to the rear. Or all of the above and then some. And sometimes we dream of the instances our guns work just fine, but it is the situation we must use them that is the disturbing part of the dream.
Children always have gotten me in my work. I do not like visiting pain on children. I do not relish being a part of the pain any child must bear. And I have prayed I would not ever have to use deadly force on a child, any child, for any reason. So of course I had a nightmare about children in deadly force encounters. Of course.
There were a few dreams that morphed into one another. But the one that got me and awoke me was a doozy. I won’t get into the vivid details (and if you’ve read any of my fiction you are well aware I can be quite vivid in my description of violence, gun or otherwise), but I will give a little info on the overall feel. Active shooter type situation. People being shot at random. No law enforcement yet on scene. I am there off duty. Hunkered down and hiding a few unknown children behind me. Of course my pistol is in hand and I am sighting in on one of the two shooters. I am preparing to take quick and speedy action to stop the killing.
But the shooters are a husband and wife team and they have their two children in front of them. They are crouched behind their children using them as shields. Head shots. Both of them down. Then the two children pick up the guns to start shooting again. Of course I am left with but one choice. Remember, I dream vivid details. It’s not pretty, but I do my duty. I stop their killing.
And I wake up nearly in tears. Yeah, we’re all cold, heartless creatures I suppose. I mean, who dreams about shooting parents and their kids? Nobody but us cops, right?
God bless, warriors.
Wayne A Delk 